This week has been a blur. I honestly don’t have a title for my journal as I am not sure on where to ever start. I was pretty excited about 2018, as 2017 was a very busy medical year for me. I was not ready for the event that happened on New Year’s Day. My cat has been sick. She was one of four of what I would call my “fur babies.” She would meow to come in and then meow to go out. She had the loudest voice so I named her Bella. She had a home before… She was too well mannered to be a wild cat. Someone had decided to not take care of her, they moved, or something. I was not sure but, all I knew was that she was my cat.

The last seven days have been a blur. I think of things that maybe I would have changed. I don’t again even know where or what I should be feeling. I knew that she was not doing well, we had her taken to the vet and they did not give promising news. I think that they did what we asked them to do but, they knew deep down that, she was probably not going to make it.
She came home that Friday and then ate some. I wanted to make her eat and jump around so she would bounce back to her being her normal self. She had beaten the odds once before. I was bound to see if that would happen again. She slept a lot over the next couple of days. Her eating and drinking water slowed and then stopped. She was losing weight like crazy. She had no energy. All I could do then is cry.

Her last day was her sleeping and then going to use the litter box one last time. I watched her walk in, use the restroom that we had made in the bathroom. She fell on her side and went limp. I lost it. I picked her up, being the rag doll she had become, and put her back into the bed that we had placed in the corner of my room. She had been there since Friday. Why she picked my room, cluttered as it was, she was near me for her last few days. She didn’t raise her head. There was not even a meow. Her breathing got shallow. I couldn’t bear watching. I had my husband come home from his errand. We put her in the bottom half of the carrier and took her outside one last time. I wanted to be strong but, all I wanted her to do was jump out of that carrier and be back to the Bella that I knew. That was not going to happen.

We took her to an animal hospital that afternoon. I had called on the way there, they had a room ready for us as soon as we got there. I wanted to stop crying. I wanted her to wake up. I wanted to be selfish and get the cat that I loved back. One of the techs came in and asked us about what we wanted to do. We knew she could not go on like this and that we did not want her to suffer any more. It is the hardest decision that I have ever had to make. I second guess it to this day. But then again I was a bit selfish in this case. She just wanted to be at peace. I wanted her to be okay. I wanted her to be one of those animals who would talk to me and let me know that what was going on was what she needed. As the injection went in and she rested her head, the sunshine came through the window. I hope that was a sign that she was in a better place. I got her paw prints and a clipping of her fur. I saved her blanket and a few other items that I knew she loved.

These last few days after that have been hard. I notice that I think about her and worry about her often. I faintly hear her meow or purr. I move things just in case she comes bounding into the room to sit by one of us. I know that I will be eternally waiting. And that makes me sad. I hope that I will recall more of the happier times that she had being with my family. I hope that she know how much that I cherish her. I can’t imagine on how someone could give this mild mannered cat away. But then I am glad that they did as they gave me such a blessing having her in my life.

Bella was more than just a pet, she was part of the family. She never fought or hissed with my other three cats. This was astonishing as they didn’t even get along with each other at times. She would let you hold her and just sit there. All she ever wanted was to be loved. I hope she knows that she was.

RIP Bella. You are gone but, you are never forgotten. You have an eternal paw print on our hearts. There will never be another Bella. Thank you for being our Bella. xoxo